Why Our Family Gratitude Countdown Is Harder Than I Expected

In my last post I talked about wanting gratitude to feel like a gentle anchor during November, a way to slow down and notice the good that is already here before everything speeds up in December. It's important to me that my family makes an effort to focus on thankfulness before the rush of the holiday season begins, and I created a 21 day Gratitude Countdown on The Anchored Bloom as a way to practice gratitude. The hope was to introduce something easy, gentle and intentional in our house during a season that already tends to feel full and busy. 

I imagined cozy evenings where we would sit together at dinner or before bed; I pictured a special moment where each of us would share our heartfelt responses to each day’s prompt.  I envisioned it would naturally become this sweet rhythm that built connection, and I assumed that a simple daily prompt would encourage my two boys to start naming the wonderful little pieces of their lives that they appreciate. 

And just a few days in, yes, we have had some of those moments. But we have also had more nights where the practice feels awkward, uncomfortable or confusing. My kids sometimes pause for a long time and stare at the table. Sometimes they shrug and say, “I don’t know” in response to something seemingly simple like, “what are you grateful for today?”  Sometimes they offer something quick that feels like they only said it because they felt the pressure of needing to answer. 

I have to be honest.  My initial reaction was disappointment.  “How could they not see all the wonderful things in their lives?” I wondered first silently and then aloud. Once I collected myself, I started looking into the research on gratitude in childhood, and what I learned helped me frame these moments with more patience, more gentleness, and more understanding.

None of this means the practice is wrong or not working. It simply means that what I imagined would feel easy and lovely is actually a skill that develops slowly, both for them and for me.

Gratitude is not automatic in childhood. It develops in layers.

Researchers explain that gratitude is not just a feeling. It involves multiple parts, including noticing something positive, understanding who or what helped create that moment, and then making the connection between the two. A study of preschoolers showed that children often recognize that something nice happened before they develop the ability to recognize the intention or kindness behind it. 

When I look at my own children through that lens, it makes perfect sense. They might enjoy a moment, or enjoy an experience, or notice something that felt fun, but they might not yet have a fully developed ability to understand why that moment mattered or how someone contributed to it. This is not a lack of manners or a lack of appreciation. It is simply the stage of development they are in. Their brains are still learning how to interpret meaning, and that takes time. So when they struggle to answer, it is not necessarily because the gratitude is not there. It may just still be quiet, unformed, or not quite ready to be spoken.

Children cannot always see the invisible effort behind the scenes

As adults, we constantly fill in invisible context without even realizing it. We see the preparation behind dinner. We see the coordination behind schedules. We see the dozens of tiny things that make the day flow. Younger kids do not see that yet. They see the outcome, not the effort.

One study found that children express more genuine gratitude when parents regularly talk about gratitude throughout the day rather than just expecting it to appear on command in a single moment. That was eye opening for me, because it reminded me that gratitude grows more in the everyday narration of kindness and small acts than in the nightly moment where I say, “Now it is time to be grateful!” This has changed the way I talk. Instead of only asking the gratitude question at night, I have begun to point out gentle kindnesses during the day, and to name the people behind each one. That small shift helps them begin to, hopefully, notice the pieces that live underneath the surface.

When gratitude feels forced, kids shut down emotionally

Greater Good Science Center writes about how forcing gratitude before a child actually feels it can create resistance and frustration rather than connection.  I have seen this happen in my own home. When I get attached to the idea of the perfect answer, or if I push for a deeper reflection than my children are naturally ready to share, the moment tightens immediately. You can sense the shift. They get uncomfortable, and I get….tense. The whole purpose of the practice slips away because my sons tell me what they think I want to hear rather than reflection. On the other hand, when I approach it gently and leave space for whatever comes up, even if it is tiny or imperfect or simple, the moment opens in a completely different way. That softer approach has made me more aware of my tone, my timing, and my inner expectations for what I hoped these evenings would look like. There are nights when the most meaningful thing I can do is simply allow the moment to be quiet without asking for anything more. Sometimes the value is not in the sentence my kids produce, but in the internal noticing that might be happening in a quiet way that I cannot see yet.

Children live inside the present moment more than adults do

Adults connect moments with meaning. We think about the before and after. We think about how someone helped us. Kids tend to live in the moment they are standing in. That same preschool study explains that the reflective part of gratitude develops later. So when my son says, "I am grateful for cookies" I now understand that cookies for dessert were simply a bright spark in his day at that developmental moment. It might feel shallow to me, but to him it was sincere and immediate. Meaning will come with time, and reflection will build slowly as their brain matures. So instead of trying to steer them into something more profound, I am trying to accept their answer as enough for today, because even small answers count.

Abundance can quietly dilute the sense of specialness

This part was difficult and helpful for me to read. A cross sectional study found that higher materialism is associated with lower expressions of gratitude in children. Our family is not extravagant, but we do have comfort. We have special treats, and we have convenience. And because of that, many things that would have felt deeply special when I was growing up sometimes feel normal, mundane even, for my children. That is not their fault. It just means the spark of appreciation sometimes does not stand out to them the same way it might stand out to me. This research helped me soften my expectations and reminded me that I need to help highlight the quieter good, not just the big or exciting good.

What this family experiment is teaching me

This countdown has shown me that gratitude is not a quick skill that blooms on demand. It grows slowly through repetition, gentle modeling, and exposure. The point is not to create 21 strong reflections in a row. The point is to simply build a rhythm of noticing, even if the noticing is small or quiet or incomplete. Speaking gratitude out loud myself helps more than directing my children to produce the perfect answer. When I talk about something tiny that made my day feel lighter, it invites them into the practice without pressure. Even small observations can add up over time, especially when they are offered in simple language that feels real and reachable.

Some evenings the answers my children give are short or silly or rushed, but those answers still reflect the skills they currently have. Giving space for what they can offer today feels more supportive than correcting it or steering it toward something deeper. I trust that the depth will come later, and these short moments are the building blocks.

And when I step back, I can see that this practice is changing our evenings a little bit at a time.  Gratitude is weaving itself into our language through the habit of pausing and paying attention, one prompt at a time.  

If you are doing the 21 Days of Gratitude Countdown in your own home and it feels uneven or awkward or unfinished, that is not a sign of failure. It is simply an indicator that this is new. Growth often begins in tiny steps and early stages that do not look polished. The practice itself is the progress.

You can still download the 21 day Gratitude Countdown and begin whenever it feels right for your family. Even though we are inching closer to Thanksgiving, gratitude does not need a rigid start date or a specific order. It can begin in any moment you choose.

And if you have been practicing gratitude with your children, I would truly love to hear from you.  Your stories, tips, or little moments of discovery are welcome here, because there is something so comforting about knowing we are figuring this out together.

With heart and gratitude,
Melissa

Sources:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5224866/
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6980353/
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_forcing_gratitude_in_kids_backfiresand_what_to_do_instead
https://libres.uncg.edu/ir/uncg/f/J_Tudge_Expressions_2015.pdf